Tomorrow is my last Chemotherapy treatment…
I feel a lot of things today but why am I not excited? Why do I not feel confident in my body tonight? I just want to cry.
My body has been through so much this year.. I may have had an easier time than some but it still went through hell and back, but to no surprise, my mind and body are very stubborn and it’ll take a little more than this to take me down 😉. I am proud my body for all it’s done and continues to do.
I have to trust in the bigger picture, I’m sure this was meant for something… it had to have been.
When I’m reflecting on this journey, I think of the selfie I took in the hospital, the day I got my diagnosis. I didn’t take many photos of me but I knew I wanted to document this day… I didn’t know why at the time.
It was a really beautiful morning and I wanted to sit by the window and have my breakfast instead of gaze upon what’s happening outside my room from my bed, for the 2nd week in a row. I am not meant to be kept between four walls like this. (No one is). I was so sad and scared. I want to give this girl a hug. The tightest hug ever. It was only 5 months ago and yet feels like a decade ago when I look at this.
I kept being told this day how “grateful” I should be for the cancer I have instead of something worse, etc., and I went to bed that night so alone in my head. Why was I the only one not “happy” about this? And how dare someone say I should be grateful…. There has been nothing these past 5 months I’ve been grateful for except that I’m still alive. (But damn b*tch. We really cut it close this time). That being said, I get it now. My cancer journey has been a breeze to what others have had to overcome and while I had a hard time too, I only had to suck it up for half a year(fingers crossed). I can continue on with my life and think back on this day and continue to reflect and do better for myself in the future. Others cannot say the same and for that, let’s BTHO cancer.
But anyway….. from me to me:
It’ll get better. It always has and it always will. Love you.
